If we are honest with ourselves we spend our days and nights looking for that one love… the one that ignites our soul, that makes us feel butterflies, and takes our breath away with the one look. The one with the slightest glimpse of that smile that starts to run across their face when they see you, can make our heart race faster. Yes by most accounts I am a hopeless romantic but honestly as I have I gotten older, I thought this idea of love was growing further and further from my reach. I was starting to think that maybe it really was just my imagination, coupled with the images of what the movies tell us love is supposed to be like. Like my previous post I was so shattered by love, endured so much heartbreak the year before that for the most part my heart literally felt like the last bits of it would disappear if I even attempted to fall in love with anyone. Instead I learned to love me, not in the egotistical way but in the spiritual way. And why not? I always have heard if you don’t love yourself how can you really love another?
So for that year, I read, I learned and I did things I had never done. I did what fed my soul, sometimes that meant crying until I could no longer stand it, eyes hurting, collapsed on the floor, just a flood gate of hurt, pain and destruction, flowing, bleeding out of me, like a river of broken pieces of me, that the past year had consumed and spit out. Some pieces I recognized, others I was seeing for the first time it seemed. As the year went on, through listening to my heart, and literally shutting off my brain …I began to heal. I began to shift. I was starting to emerge out of the ashes someone new, whole and with a fresh new perspective on life. I was happy again, content and enjoying my life as it was.
I have never been someone who needed a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy them but I do not NEED them. After about a year and a half of literally NO Dating, not even flirting, my heart decided it was ready to love again. I was going to “date around” for the first time in my life. I had no desire to be in a full-blown relationship but hanging out with someone would be nice. Now if you if you know anything about lesbians, this is almost impossible BUT I was going to try. Hell I am not like most lesbians anyway. I don’t uhaul, I don’t do drama and I don’t say I love you on the first date.
That being said, I got out there and yes I met some great women, but no one that actually captured my attention. Call me picky but I had done a lot of work on myself and I was NOT SETTLING. Then one day out of the blue, this girl left a comment on one of my pictures on Instagram. She had a confidence, the right amount of sarcasm and of just enough wit to capture my attention. Yeah ok and she was easy on the eyes.. lol.
What would come to ensue the next days following was something I had never experienced. First off, I should state she lived in Canada and I lived in North Carolina… yeah um can we be any further apart?! Yet our connection was one that you could not ignore. We talked for hours, everyday. Making each other laugh, and hearing her voice instantly brightened my day. We exchanged pictures and her smile instantly made me smile, without me even thinking about it. I found myself falling, and falling quick and hard. Was this what everyone was talking about when the said when you meet her you will just know? But how does that happen when we haven’t even laid eyes on each other?
I won’t say our “romance” was an easy one. There were obstacles that life threw at us, some out of our control some very much ones we created but for 7 months we were in each others lives on and off. There was a time we tried to go our separate ways, to forget that inner most connection and chalk it up to maybe it was all in our head thinking. Yet every time we found our back to each other. One of us inevitably contacting the other and each time I had the same reaction to her, except each time it got more and more intense. She became that girl that I had to meet, I had to know either way… was what we felt for each other real? I didn’t want to go through life wondering what if. Oddly enough I had made a promise to myself this new year that if something scared me to go straight for it and she scared the hell out of me.
Needless to say on Labor Day weekend I decided to pack up my car and drive to Canada, this trip wasn’t just for her, other opportunities had popped up for me, and honestly we weren’t even talking really when I decided to go but I knew she would have to be part of that trip. Needless to say when she heard I was coming we decided we had to see each and at least talk. I was going to follow my heart and whatever was meant to happen would. What I encountered next is not something I planned or even expected.
Seeing her for the first time every part of my being lit up. It was like I was blind and suddenly got my eye sight back. I had NEVER felt this way about anyone! Could this really be real? Her smile, lights up the room and I find myself smiling at her. I felt like I had found my home. I could feel her presence always but having her this close, was almost too much for me to take in, yet all I wanted to do was inhale her. She could make me laugh in ways I never know of, and when her hand comes to my face right before she kisses me I feel myself lose my breath for just a moment. She completely disarms me and yet fills me with such love, I feel like I can take on the world. What was happening to me? I don’t get like this, this is for the movie’s, this stuff doesn’t really happen. Yet I couldn’t deny it nor did I want to.
See what I have learned in this past year is the universe will bring you that which you are. I have no desire to be her world, just one of her favorite parts. I finally feel like I have someone who is rooting for me and yet has no interest to hold me down, or steal my light. When I catch her looking at me, I can see my soul in her eyes and I can see just how much she loves my very being. To say I adore her doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings for her. I adore every moment I get with her, not because I have to, or because it is what I am supposed to do but because being with her enhances my very soul. All I want to do is see her fly, to shine her own light because that in return makes me want to shine mine. I adore her for all of her faults, as well her loving and compassionate heart. I love her for exactly who she is and in return she loves me the same way. There are moments, where I have my arms wrapped around her and I honestly feel my whole body take a breath and relax into her knowing at that very moment, there is nothing but pure love between us, for exactly who we are.
She is the reality of love. It is not always rainbows and sunshine BUT I can promise you that it is real, that is genuine and that is possible but I do believe that had I NOT taken time to get to know me, to love me, I would have never attracted her. She is my soul mate without any doubt in my mind. She is the rock, that when things seem so uneasy her laughter has a way of making the sun shine again. She is that unconditional love and I am hers. You have to love the darkness in people as well as their light, because if you don’t then you are really missing out on what true love really is. It is not what the movies tell you.. it is loving someone for ALL of who they are.. and being able to remind them what a smart, beautiful, amazing human being they are when they have seem to have forgotten. She is that piece in my life that I now know I cannot live without, not because I couldn’t survive, because I could but because why would I want to live my life without her when I can it with her? She has helped put color and darkness into my world and I love her even more for doing that.
So next time you are looking for love, don’t. Look within. Do you love yourself? Are you the person you would like to date? If not then I would say you have some work to do… then watch how amazing the universe can be when you shift and see in what way love shows up in your life. I honestly could not have dreamed a more perfect person for me, and I don’t mean she is perfect she is perfectly flawed, but flawed in such a way that together our life creates this magnificent explosion of love that intoxicates my heart and makes my life just that more amazing knowing I will always have her by my side. She is my heart, my soul, my light and I am forever grateful and blessed to be able to have the privilege to call her mine. I love you baby, forever and always.