My journey of healing and hope, after sustaining a traumatic brain injury.

The Art of Balancing It All

I never expected things to be this hard. I mean yeah I knew it would be difficult and an adjustment, but I guess I was never really prepared as to how much of an adjustment it would be.  Before it was just essentially me and my dog, and occasionally I would have a partner but finding time for everything seemed to flow. Of course I was also working from home as well so that helped out a ton. Now I find myself so stressed at times, and just when I think I have found the right balance I find out from my partner or realize on my own I am still way off.

Balancing work, our relationship, time with my daughter, time with the dog, and somehow somewhere finding time for me, even if it’s a small chunk, is proving to be a lot harder than I ever imagined. Mind you I am not complaining. I wouldn’t give up any of these things, well scratch that, I would maybe change my job up but that would be it. I realize what I am going through is not new. People manage to live their lives and balance all of these things all at once without a hiccup.   I guess my issue is the overwhelming guilt I feel when I don’t feel like I am excelling at one of these areas.

I am a big believer of nurturing your relationship no matter what. You must take time out to talk to your significant other, spend time with them, go out on dates, and find time for intimacy. As well as being their very partner you agreed to be. Everything should not just fall all on one person, you’re a team and as such you should act as one. Sure things ebb and flow and some day’s one may do more than the other but overall it really should be an equal coming together. This dance in and of itself is very delicate and sometimes can be hard to figure out who is leading and what your next step is together as a team. When I feel like I am not at my best, and I am not there for my girlfriend in the way I think I should be I feel bad.  I feel bad because she deserves to feel loved, she deserves to feel appreciated and she deserves to feel like she has someone standing by her side. When I fail to help make her feel that way, my heart hurts.

Just as with my daughter, being her new step mom, she deserves my time. She deserves to know she is loved, she is cherished, she is safe and she is taken care of.  When I have a bad day and I know my patience is at its limit, I feel bad that I get annoyed so easily at her defiant behavior. I feel bad that sometimes I feel like I just need thirty minutes to myself, to breathe.  I never want her to feel my stress, or to worry about adult things because it is my view as a parent that is not for a child to be burden with. They need to enjoy their childhood, the need to be children.

When my dog greets me at the door, tail wagging, so happy to see me and I tend to just push him out-of-the-way to get into the door because my day at work was so overwhelming that I just want to sit and be still for a minute. He comes and lays his head in my lap, and as I pet him I realize what a crappy owner I am. All he wants is a few moments of my time.

And after all these moments have passed I am suppose to have me time.  Somewhere somehow I need to find a way  to feed my soul, workout and take care of myself.  Really? When and how I am suppose to do that?  I feel bad taking time out for me, it makes me seem selfish and self-centered.  Although I know for the good of my family, myself, I cannot take care of them if I don’t take care of myself.  I also have to realize I am learning that all of this, as new as it all is, is a learning curve for me.  Having never been a full-time parent, I have to give myself permission to make mistakes, but to learn from them and try to never make them again.  I am still unsure as to how to deal with the guilt. How do I process it, let it go and not let it affect how I view myself as a person, as a parent, as a partner?   Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything, but seeing how I fit into that family and my role within it is something I guess, I am still learning.  The art of balancing it all definitely is just that, an art. One I have yet to master.


2 responses

  1. Balance is a tough one, and something you have to constantly work at. And you are right, you do have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

    11/19/2010 at 12:18 pm

  2. Love this post and I personally think you are doing a great job. We’re still transitioning into this new life, give yourself some credit and don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing great and everything will balance out in time. Be patient and know that I love you!

    11/21/2010 at 1:49 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s